Hypothesis, Null Hypothesis, Power
by Eureka234
Summary: Amy's attraction to Penny's ex boyfriend has gotten out of control, and she's had to resort to more animalistic measures. WARNING; CONTAINS MATURE CONTENT. You have been warned. SHAMY.


"Sheldon, I do believe my unamiable attraction to Penny's ex has expanded out of control. I would like to propose as a last resort that we engage in coitus"

"My, Amy, this is most unamiable indeed"

"I know" Amy nodded. Anger gleamed in her eyes, sick self-loathing anger. This is a topic absolutely avoided researching. It would bring us down to the unintelligible level of our peers.

"I would suggest engaging in coitus with one of your friends, Howard or Raj, but I sincerely doubt they are void of any infections"

"An excellent point, Amy. Why, if I wasn't so disgusted of the idea of coitus, I would have suggested myself. If it is not offensive to suggest, may I request you employ the recreational activity of pleasuring yourself while imagining someone else is doing the job for you"

Amy looked at me with such precision. This was a mighty fine predicament indeed. Perhaps I was hallucinating when tears reached her neat complexion.

"I have already, Sheldon" Amy said "It was quite unsatisfying, but incredibly fascinating how brainwashing the chemicals are. It took all my mental power not to condescend to those emotions and let them in turn, brainwash me"

"An interesting dilemma. I understand your concern. I will go talk to my friends about this, perhaps there is a way to help you without reversing your intelligence"

"I thank you, Sheldon Cooper. I wish you the best of luck"

"Thank you. Even though I possess two PhD's, for once I ashamedly admit I may need it. Farewell, Amy Fowler"

* * *

><p>Laughter surrounded me; sick, uneducated laughter. I observed tears in both Howard and Rajeet's eyes. I eluded me how coitus was such an amusing topic.<p>

"You've never even masturbated and you think you can have sex with Amy. Oh god, is it April Fools already?" Howard giggled.

"I find it insulting you think me incapable of engaging in such activities"

More laughter.

"Fine. If that is your attitude I will resort to other measures to aid my companion. If it is agreeable with your puny brains, we are no longer considered friends until further notice. Farewell to you all"

I left the room, and those acquaintances were silenced.

* * *

><p>"What do you want, Sheldon?" Penny asked.<p>

"I was curious if you could educate me in the animalistic ritual of coitus. Amy is in trouble and I believe I am the only one who can assist her"

Penny's mouth fell wide open.

"Sheldon, are you saying you're going to have sex with Amy?"

"Why, yes, in your terms…"

"That's… fantastic?" Penny seemed confused "Good to see you are trying other means of bonding. Come in"

I walked inside, and almost fainted due to the undesirable mess of her apartment.

Penny sat me down on the sofa. She had ruthlessly divided her speech into sections.

Why do people have sex?

What are the risks?

What are the benefits?

How do people have sex?

What feels good to girls?

What feels good to boys?

She referred to wikipedia for many areas of her talk, and her own experiences. The areas of what each gender finds pleasurable was most endearing. It was almost as though our desires for coitus had evolved ever so slightly. It gave me hope for the future; perhaps Amy and I could forward the human race in more natural terms. I if it is possible to manipulate what each person finds pleasurable.

"Now, the problem will be what feels good to you, and what feels good to Amy" Penny paced the room "Although from what it sounds like Amy already knows so all I have to do is" she snorted "Try figure out what you like, and then teach Amy to do it to you"

"Oh what a fine theory, my only quandary is how must I do so without giving myself an auto immune response?"

"Sheldon, trust me, you're the cleanest person I know. You won't have any problem with diseases, which brings me to the next point: contraception"

This went on for another hour or so, and then Penny had to leave to talk to Leonard.

"Wait, Penny!" I called, and she turned "I think the best way to test this hypothesis of yours is to try it in a multitude of different fashions. May I please use you as a subject?"

"What the hell are you suggesting, Sheldon?" Penny demanded, to my dismay. She was so picky about something so animalistic and natural for all human beings. I cleared my throat.

"I was curious if I could watch you and Leonard perform such activities, or you could engage in such activities with me"

"OH MY GOD, SHELDON!' Penny gasped, and she walked out, slamming the door. This baffled me. That did not answer my questions at all.

* * *

><p>"Leonard, Leonard…" Penny repeated, reaching him "Sheldon is into voyeurism"<p>

"What?" Leonard asked, politely confused. Penny took a deep breath.

"Sheldon just asked me if he can watch us having sex, so he could learn what he has to do"

"Huh? Don't be stupid, he's not doing that" Leonard said, "How about you show him some pornography sites?"

"Ew, Leonard, I don't know any pornography sites!"

"You don't? Oh, okay. Well then, bring him to me. I'll help you"

* * *

><p>"This is fascinating" I said, watching various pornographic content with Amy by my side on our comfy bed. "I fail to comprehend Penny's offense by my suggestion, when there is much more absurd content on here"<p>

"I agree, although it seems coitus is a very private individual activity" Amy nodded, resting her head on my stomach "I am curious Sheldon, are these videos affecting you physiologically?"

"A little" I nodded "This is certainly an educational website. I had no idea Leonard had such extensive knowledge on the topic, he is so void of intelligence in any other area"

"I am inclined to rephrase. Are you experiencing any symptoms of sexual arousal?"

"Why yes, that is important" I recalled, "I almost forgot. Nothing feels abnormal. I wonder if I am simply too evolved to experience such joys of human experience"

"Perhaps we need to attempt a different method. Our power level for pornography is certainly not reaching the required alpha level for us to accept our hypothesises"

"Indeed. Well, what do you suggest we do? I can only think of practical means, but we have not seen all the videos on this website yet, and we will have to travel to many different places to experience them all"

"Yes, that is true. May I ask your consent to perform sexual deeds on you?" Amy requested, most politely. I hesitated.

"I don't know. My mother always told me never to touch my genitalia. I am guessing that counts for foreign hands, mouths or breasts as well"

"I understand. Perhaps in order to move forward you must disregard the guidelines set by your mother"

"That is true. I have never pondered such a thing before. Now observing its conclusions I realize how ridiculous it is. Now Amy, what sexual deeds were you willing to perform on me? Perhaps oral or use of your hands?"

"I am considering both"

"Both? Goodness, Amy, you are quite imaginative" I wrote this down, the videos we have watched and what we were experimenting with (mandatory research before any experiment), the hypothesises and null hypothesis, and of course, the crucial alpha level of 0.05. Amy placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I must let you know Sheldon I am very glad to be performing these experiments with you. It will expand our knowledge as scientists"

"Why, thank you Miss Fowler. I must ask that you communicate with me. I do not wish to displease you"

"Thank you, Sheldon. Now, let us begin"

Amy got closer and closer to my features. I could see the pores in her cheeks.

"Amy, Penny explained to me the importance of foreplay, is that what you are attempting now?"

"Yes, I am Sheldon. I am guessing you have never kissed anyone before?"

"Why no, the exchange of saliva is quite unhygienic. May I suggest you brush your teeth and mouth first?"

"I have already completed the procedure, and recorded it in my notes"

"Ah, yes, I can smell it. You have very aligned teeth. In fact, if I were a dentist I would say they were splendid text book examples"

"Thank you. Now close your eyes Sheldon. I may not have kissed any boys but I kissed Penny at a sleepover once. She was not impressed"

"I should imagine not"

I closed my eyes, smelling the Listerine on her breath. It was quite a bizarre experience. Her lips touched mine and I did not move. I had a horrendous fear of causing an error; it seemed such a tedious, specific process.

"Relax, Sheldon. You are failing to arouse me"

"My apologies, Amy"

I lent slightly forward and kissed her back before I realized the preposterousness of my actions.

"Amy, I have a question"

"Yes, Sheldon?"

"Penny informed me everyone is different, thus, I would like to deduct from that statement that you may desire something I am not currently doing. Am I correct?"

"You are"

"May I ask you: out of the list of videos we have watched, which one did you receive the most numerous physiological responses?"

"I quite enjoyed the one concerning a teacher disciplining his student in his office"

"Very good" I wrote this down as quickly as my hands would allow, "Was there any element in particular that resonated with you?"

"Being taken by surprise" Amy smiled

"Oh, excellent, I think I could perform that extremely well. Now, Amy, please leave this room and brush your teeth again, I am going to make some minor adjustments to our experiment"

"Thank you again, Sheldon, you are a dear friend"

When Amy Fowler returned I was wearing the black suit I had worn drunk during a speech, was holding my physics textbooks, and had a remote control, ruler and pens in my pocket. I believe I looked the part of a professor; I had done it a few times before. This was something I could excel at, no doubt about it. I pointed to a chair.

"Please sit down, Miss Fowler"

"Yes, Sheldon"

She sat down, only I took out my ruler and pointed it at her.

"Excuse me Miss Fowler, but I believe I am of the authority here. You must address me as Mister or Professor Cooper, Mister S Cooper or sir, nothing of the derivative. Am I making myself clear?"

"Yes, Professor Cooper, sir"

"Very good" I smiled, enjoying this game. I took out Amy's notes. "I am here to discuss your most recent paper with you. I am appalled by the lack of structure and specifically in the literature review. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I am very apologetic, sir. I did not realize I had made those errors in my research"

"May I suggest a form of punishment: I would like you to rewrite this paper, also, an essay of two thousand words explaining how you plan to improve in future. May I also suggest you remove your clothing and explain to me why you are not wearing your school uniform. Go"

"Sir, I do not believe removing my clothes is an ethical request of a teacher. May I recommend our student-teacher relationship ends in order to pursue this injustice?"

"No. What is injustice is speaking to me as though you are the teacher, when you have no such qualifications. Please remove your clothes, Miss Amy Fowler"

"But Professor Cooper, I must object. I have no desire to remove my clothes. I am not comfortable with you seeing my genitalia"

"Well, that is simply bad luck, Miss Fowler. You are my student and I regretfully inform you that if you do not perform this duty, my detention must further expand, and I will ask you to do more difficult tasks. Please do not make me resort to such measures"

Amy nodded, looking at the ground.

"I understand. You are the teacher and thus are in control of me. Please give me a moment while I undress"

I averted my eyes while Amy removed her shirt, jeans, shoes, socks bra and other undergarments and folded them in the corner. She looked me straight in the face. I looked her up and down, surprised by the mild tingling beginning to occur all around me, more strongly in my genital region. It must be working! I gulped, to compose myself.

"Now Miss Fowler, why are you not wearing your uniform?"

"I was not aware a tutoring session required a uniform, sir"

"My, my, are you informing me you have no such uniform within this house?"

Amy shook her head "No, sir. May I put my clothes on now?"

"Not quite. No, that is simply not good enough, Miss Fowler. Your standards are not high enough to pursue a job in this university. I am disgusted"

"I am sorry sir"

"May I request, for your next punishment, that you pleasure yourself in front of me?"

"Yes, sir. I am most embarrassed, but I suppose you are not going to end this student teacher relationship?"

"No, Amy, that would be unhelpful. I am attempting to teach you a lesson"

"How about you take off your clothes too, sir?"

"No, don't be ridiculous, Miss Fowler. I will wear my clothes however I do please"

"I understand, sir. Give me a moment"

I watched. There were so many layers of skin I was unaware of. I felt my face grow hot, my pulse rose. Amy fiddled her clitoris, and I attempted to pick up a pattern. It was so unstructured it was not any help at all.

"Sir, I fear I am going to sound very unintelligible in a few moments"

"No, Miss Fowler. Judging from what my colleague Leonard informed me, your building attraction and libido from… is due to a lack of release. In order to release such desires from your system, you must bypass this intellectual barrier. I know it is threatening, but it is necessary. It is the goal of this experiment. Please be strong and do it in the name of science"

"Yes, what a great idea, sir. Only now there is a problem"

"What is that, Miss Amy?"  
>"I desire to engage in coitus"<p>

"Oh no, that is problematic. Miss Fowler, please look at me. Do you see any lies in my complexion?"

"No, sir"

"Then do what I say. Turn over, lie on that bed over there. Now"

My pulse rose. It was all working perfectly! I felt the sense of a pulse in my pants and pressure building and swelling. Was this what an erection was? I scanned through my memory, picking out some videos where a similar event occurred, although reminding myself of the facts. Amy liked to be surprised. Using my imagination, I engulfed myself in the character. What would this evil professor Sheldon cooper do? Hmm!

I took out my ruler and wiped her on her buttocks, in which she let out a high-pitched "who" sound. Yes, she was aroused! This experiment was running successfully. I lowered my body on top of her naked one, pushing my pelvis onto hers.

"Do you feel that, Miss Fowler? It seems you have aroused me. Do you agree?"

"Y-Yes, s-s-sir"

Amy shivered, and I pushed further onto her. I felt some wetness appear on my suit. Oh, the agony. What a clean suit, now filthy!

"Miss Fowler, you have ruined my suit. What do you have to say for yourself?"  
>"I apologize, sir. I am very sorry. So, very sorry"<p>

Oh, she was beginning to sound like Penny. How it infuriated me! I put my hands in front of her hips and rubbed my hand slowly downwards. Amy groaned, and I was terrified as to how much unlike herself she was becoming. Coitus was such a transformative experience! This was most certainly going in my notes.

"Miss Amy, you are behaving much unlike yourself. I will like to ask you to contain yourself"

"Of course, sir, of course"

I did the thing I had seen in those videos. I pulled my pants down and whispered in Amy's ear. My genitals throbbed and I pushed it against her naked bosum.

"Do you desire coitus with me, Miss Farrah Fowler? I do hope you have your story straight"

"Would I sound unintelligible to say 'yes, I do, Professor Cooper'?"

"Not at all. All questions are legitimate"

It was as though another being arose from inside of me. It was most bizarre, quite surprising. I kissed her down her neck, so very softly and gently, enjoying her warmth beneath me. The wetness inside her was intoxicating, to say the least. My vocabulary fails me at this point. Slowly, I pushed further, until she relaxed inside of me.

"Oh, goodness" I gasped, pulling back out and in again "This is most interesting"

"I agree, Proffessor Cooper. I am very much aroused"

"I share your sentiments, oh my… it is a peculiar feeling, isn't it?"

"It is, Professor Cooper, who"

I sped up, out of instinct, a lion emerging within me. Amy was silenced.

"Oh my goodness, Miss Farrah Fowler" I gasped and a rippling sensation burst forth like electricity. I collapsed onto Amy, but it seemed she had already orgasmed.

"Thank you Sheldon, I think I am better now"

"It was my pleasure"

I withdrew and a sticky substance appeared all over the bed.

"I had no idea coitus was so sticky, I suggest a shower. Will you join me, Miss Fowler?"

"I would love to, Professor Cooper"

As Amy got up from the bed, I kissed her. She smiled. I smiled. Our experiment was a success after all.


End file.
